OCTOBER 1, 1994 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE B-3
FROM THE HART
We're in paradise, but he's keeping his mouth shut
Advice on love, relationships and other issues relevant to sexual minorities.
Dear Taylor,
by Taylor Hart
I am a successful, professional, 27-yearold gay man. For the past three years my lover and I have been living together as a married couple. We share everything; financially and, more importantly, emotionally. We've both worked hard over the past few years and have recently moved into our dream house in the country.
Sounds perfect, right? Well, almost, but not entirely. We have a growing problem with our sex life. My lover simply refuses to kiss me or to perform oral sex on me. He let me know of his aversions to these activities when we first started dating, but I thought that it was just the typical story. You know, the man coming to grips with his homosexuality, but still trying to hold on to his past perception of his own masculinity. I thought that he'd eventually become more comfortable and relaxed with kissing and oral sex, but he has not. What puzzles me is that he openly acknowledges his homosexuality! In fact, he's probably not discreet enough about choosing when and where to tell people that he's gay and that I'm his lover!
At this point I don't know what step to take. Other than his aversions, our sex life is great! We have a pond on our property and often go skinny dipping, accompanied with plenty of sexual play. He frequently tells and shows me that he loves me, but I do miss a more intimate and full sexuality. I love passionate kisses and feel the relationship is incomplete without them.
I'm not at the point of picking up a guy
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yet, but I may reach that point soon. Please advise.
Dear Craving,
Craving his Kiss
I suspect that your theory explaining your lover's aversions to kissing and oral sex may be accurate. Sometimes when a gay man refuses to do these activities it has to do with his feelings and attitudes toward his own masculinity, and his perception of how a masculine male behaves. Feelings of power and control can be tied in with these aversions as well.
However, it is also possible that his choosing not to participate in these activities may not be directly related to his homosexuality. Masculinity and homosexuality can be two separate issues. There are heterosexual men with the same aversions as your lover. Having these aversions, in and of themselves, are not necessarily a problem. Different strokes for different folks, eh? The problem arises when one partner is being satisfied while the other partner is
not.
Before you resort to having an affair to satisfy your needs, please consider joint counseling for you and your lover. I believe that discussing this matter with a professional counselor or therapist may be the only way to find some sort of resolution. There are a few questions that need answering, such as:
1) Does your lover have full knowledge of just how unhappy you are with his choices?
2) What feelings does your lover suspect he would feel if he were to kiss you or perform oral sex on you?
3) Does he feel that these activities would
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affect his masculinity?
4) Are there some other reasons for his refusing these activities? (Performance anxiety? HIV fears? A bad experience in the past? Some moral judgement?)
5) Is he willing to adapt new behaviors in order to please you more fully?
6) Does he ever see himself, sometime in the future, as being willing to kiss you and perform oral sex?
Working privately with a counselor or therapist can help you discover the answers to these questions and others, and lead the two of you into conversations that will help you come to terms. I feel certain that there is a way of satisfying both you and your lover's needs and protecting your marriage at the same time. You sound like a truly blessed and charming couple. You have many good things going for you that neither one of you should start to forget! I wish you the best of luck. Please let me know how things work out.
Confused by your accounting?
Dear Taylor,
I am a gay male vocalist trying to put a cabaret act together. Do you think you could help me find a pianist who might be willing to do some work with me? I can't promise any pay, but who knows what the future may have to offer? I would greatly appreciate it if you can help me.
Dear Dreamer,
Dreaming of Stardom
What a great dream and what a fantastic goal! Sure, I'll try to help.
Attention all pianists: Anyone seriously interested in contacting Dreaming of Stardom should send his or her name, address or phone number to Taylor Hart, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland, Ohio 44101 or send information by fax to 216-631-1082. My email address is chronohio@aol.com.
Letters requesting advice are also accepted at the above listed addresses. I'd love to hear from you!
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216.228.1572
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